Before this girl was born, my husband and I would talk at length about how strange it would be to finally meet her, wondered what she’d look like, who she’d be. When she was a baby we’d marvel at how tiny she was, yet how big her personality, and we’d talk about how strange it would be to imagine her as a child, walking around, talking even. It all seemed so distant & strange and impossible to really comprehend. “How crazy it’ll be when she can go to the kitchen and grab her own drink or actually be able to tell us why she’s upset instead of just crying and shrieking,” one of us would say. And the other would offer an understanding nod, maybe a chuckle or two.
We didn’t know then that from the moment she was born, our present lives would move with such speed and fortitude, ferociousness even, into our pasts that our very existence would simply become The Great Blur. I am certain a total lack of sleep that seems never ending (I got about two total hours last night) or little to no disposable time to just stop and rest sometimes easily contributes to this phenomenon. (I can’t imagine how quickly the lives of those with multiple children must go.) People always talk about the financial expense of kids. Far less emphasis is placed on what it costs in time, that precious & finite resource. Or at least our perception of it. And it’s a lot. The equivalent of a fortune, really. I have struggled the most with this aspect throughout this journey, and have fought and defended, when I have the strength, the right to my my own time, identity & sense of self. It is a challenge, but one I do, not only for my sake/my mental health, but my daughter’s as well. I am not trying to “do it all,” as much as I’m trying to show my daughter that it’s possible to be a mom and not completely lose one’s identity in that role.
So with all of that said, you can imagine the pure joy I felt when doing this photo shoot with this little girl; her very first actually posing for me (in between getting distracted by every little thing because she’s 2.5) and she did me proud. So proud, friends. I am in love with these photos of her chasing butterflies. My heart is full, even if my body is tired.
