Dark Rabbit Hole / by Rebecca Tillett

And I so understand what you mean about becoming complacent. I was just looking at a tremendous photographer’s portfolio on IG this morning and I realized I immediately felt...down? Defeated? Like a failure? Does that happen to you often? You mentioned thinking life could always get better. I think I suffer with that as well. It used to be on both a personal and professional level and now it’s only on a professional level (which is good) but seriously, I feel like I actively avoid success sometimes. Does that make sense? I just can’t seem to get on the internet anymore without stumbling on someone’s fantastic body of work and seeing that they’re somehow doing that for a living (no 9-5 bullshit). How did they do that? How did that happen? How come I’m working a mind-numbing job that’s constantly draining my creativity for hardly any money and they’re not? And then of course I follow that dark rabbit hole down until I reach the inevitable “well, it’s probably because I’m simply not that good” and that’s soul-crushing. And then I have trouble accepting that, so I reason that maybe it’s because I’ve really just never tried very hard (which is a fact in a lot of ways)...because I guess I’ve just always been scared of not having the reliable paycheck...no matter the meagerness of the salary. And then I sadly conclude it’s likely a combination of the two and I’m moved to tears.
— R. Tillett