Some Heartbreaks / by Rebecca Tillett

Some nights I dream that my life is ruined only to awake and realize that my life is a nightmare. I’m still so utterly broken by it all. I fear I’ll never mend. I have my ups and downs as we all do but the down part never really leaves me. I had such terrible dreams about missing you last night. I searched up our Espina address in street view and cried for an hour in the middle of the night. Not intended on being a guilt trip, just sharing.
— A.L.
Some heartbreaks are never full mended. They become a part of us and our story, until we forget entirely who we were without them. You don’t really ever get that kind of advice; that that deep emotional pain never dissipates entirely, that we’re forced to make peace with that pain, to learn how to live with it for the duration of our short lives in something of a reluctant surrender. I wish I had something more hopeful to share. I carry every past heartbreak around with me, including my decision to leave you and our life together. Sometimes the memories, both good and bad, can still bring me to tears. Sometimes the realization that the man who has been by my side for the last half of my life, who’s shared every moment of my life both good and bad, and is no longer there is devastating. Every inside joke, every “Remember when…,” every little thing that was ours…where do those things exist now? Are they still there, waiting silently to awaken between us?
— R.T.