You'll Never Live This Life That I Live. / by Rebecca Tillett

"What are you thinking?"

I’m thinking I love the smell of rain and I love it blowing through the house. I’m thinking you and I couldn’t be more wrong for each other. I’m thinking I’m never completely happy (except the first few months you really loved me) and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m thinking I’ve never felt such a feeling of meaningless non-existence.I’m thinking I miss so many people, so many presences in my life but I don’t know who. I’m thinking I gravitate towards misery. I’m thinking I’m stupid for caring about the little things. I’m thinking you don’t understand me and you never will. I’m thinking and fearing I’ve become an apathetic shell of who I used to be. I’m thinking I need something more. I’m thinking It’s impossible to tell the difference between comfort, need, and love. I’m thinking you don’t touch me as much as you used to. I’m thinking you’ve ultimately stopped caring. I’m thinking you’re falling out of love with me. I’m thinking life was never supposed to be this way. I’m thinking you doubt me. I’m thinking your face looks to be so sad and tired in the moonlight. I’m thinking I’m so lonely most of the time. I’m thinking we ignore each other most of the time. I’m thinking life seems so two-dimensional at this moment. I’m thinking I really have nowhere else to go. I’m thinking I’ve become that person. I’m thinking a lot lately about God, a god, another plane of existence, another dimension, an afterlife, everyone we ever loved - now gone. I’m thinking I could die at this very moment and every question I’ve ever really had could be answered. I’m thinking my bones are aching and you look exhausted. I’m thinking you have dark circles under your eyes and I’m covered in cuts and bruises. I’m thinking everything’s always for looks, for appearances, I’m thinking rain always brings out the doubts and hopelessness in me - but I wouldn’t give it up for anything else in the world. I’m thinking everyone’s moving forward and I’m standing still. I’m wondering how much I really smile these days when it doesn’t mean anything. I’m thinking I still remember seeing you for the first time. I’m thinking I’d never felt that many butterflies before. I’m thinking I remember your nervousness, your charm, the fact that you couldn’t stop squirming in my car. I’m thinking I can still remember every single moment that night almost 6 years ago. I’m wondering how much I really love you, if at all, and I’m thinking I feel lost if I don’t. I’m thinking how amazing it would be if I could actually say these things, because after all this time I’ve become self-conscience about being naked in front of you.
— R. Tillett

(July 25, 2005)