70//365 / by Rebecca Tillett


(70//365) The unsurprising consequences of my recent huge life decisions collided with me this weekend and the haunting emotion that accompanied the encounter first drained me of self-assurance then filled me with fear and doubt. And sadness. I'm a fairly smart woman but sometimes I can't predict how these things will affect me until they do. And then I drown in it because I never anticipated swimming.

Last night I had what closely resembled and felt like a ridiculous couldn't-catch-my-breath, on-the-floor-on-my-hands-and-knees-gasping-for-air panic attack; a genuine "what-the-fuck-was-that" kinda thing.

I think I finally let fear overwhelm me. And honestly, I'm surprised it took this long. That admission might be a little too indicative of what little faith I have in myself but without honesty what's the point of all this?

Relatedly, I don't have many (and I mean I can count them on one hand) close people in my life but good lord, am I grateful for the ones that I do. They grab my flailing hands and heave me out of the water.