Internal Discourse / by Rebecca Tillett


"Try not to let the world get in your way. You were never part of it. You never wanted to be a part of it. Do what you want, do what you need to. What do you need? Breathe. Remember you're never alone. You're completely alone. You're completely alone. You're not soft. You're unappealing. You know you've never really fit in anywhere or with anyone. You're alone. You're lonely. You're fat. Smile more. Breathe. Money isn't everything. Money is everything. You're 31. You're old. You're young. You've accomplished so much. You've accomplished so little. Patience, patience, patience. Who thinks about you? Would anyone notice your absence? Nobody cares. You don't care. You don't care. You swear you don't care. Stop eating so much. Stop eating. Stop worrying about eating. You're eating. You cry too much. You worry so much it sometimes feels like your head will explode. You cry and feel so much it sometimes feels like your chest will explode. You're useless. You're incompetent. Stop feeling. Feel everything. Remember when you couldn't feel? Pick one and be satisfied. Be fucking satisfied. Start writing. Stop worrying. Do stop worrying. He'll always be there for you. He won't always be there for you. You don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve help. You don't deserve, deserve, deserve. Love is everywhere. Love is nowhere. Stop playing the what-if game. He would have been 4 in December and you would have named him _____________. And where would you be today? Tomorrow? Don't look too far into the future. Never live for the future. And stop looking back. Nothing is certain. You were given today. Work with that. Revel in that. Bask in that. But what will you do if ____________? What will you do if____________? And ____________? You worry so much it sometimes feels like your very core will implode like a star out of fuel leaving nothing but a big black hole behind. And you'll do nothing but watch as everyone so carefully and with well-mannered Excuse Me's walk around you, careful not to fall in. Please someone, fall in. You miss him. You love him. You always have. You always will. What does it mean to feel it now? Why now? Remember when you were young and had so many cares in the world? You'd worry how you'd ever survive without your parents. You'd worry your father would burn the house down. You'd worry your dad would finally break your mom. You'd worry what diseases were hiding dormant in your small heaving body. You were afraid of life. You were afraid of death. You can't actually remember a time you had no cares in the world. Who are you really? What are you living for? Why are you here? Try not to spend too much time hoping. Hope, hope, hope. Always hope. Be funny. Everyone loves funny. Be strong. No one loves weakness. 31 years is nothing. Can you do 30 more? 20 more? 10 more? 5 more? 1 more? Can you make it to tomorrow? Can you make it through the night? You broke your own heart. You'll never be a whole. You've always be half. Everyone has someone. They all go home to someone. Everyone has others. You conquered your greatest fear. You did it. You're feeling it. You feel it. You're alone. Alone. You faced it. Good fucking job. I'm proud of you."

I go to seek a Great Perhaps.
— François Rabelais