I am much more protective of my feelings on motherhood than anything else in life. I am still working on unraveling just why exactly. I suspect because they are not always overwhelmingly exuberant, which I feel mothers rarely see mirrored or represented outside the darkest recesses of our minds. We are inundated with nothing but the happy wonderfulness so there is a built-in shame in feeling anything but, perhaps.Read More
Last February, I found out I was pregnant.
Here’s what happened next.
and when our bodies rise again,
they will be wildflowers, then rabbits,
then wolves singing a perfect love
to the beautiful, meaningless moon.
Lately I’ve drowned in thoughts and anxieties that shout the words: why-is-this-so-fucking-hard & why-aren’t-I-stronger into my own echo chamber and then I remember something I read recently that really resonated: Sleep deprivation is an actual kind of torture. It is. and needlessly, I had surrendered to moments of doubt and darkness about the strength of my family and our resolve and our indestructibility as a unit but especially about mine and my husband’s status as a team. But only because I did not truly respect the intensity of the obstacles we’ve faced. And cleared.Read More
Ripley. The newest member and the second baby girl to join the Tillett/O’Shaughnessy clan.Read More
his sweet babe is 5 months old today. Time passes so quickly, I’m always left with the tragic relentless feeling that I’m not fully appreciating or as present for every precious moment as I should be. For her, the days are still long enduring intervals in which eternities exist between dawn and dusk. For me, it feels as if every morning I have awoken from a long coma and she seems so much older than the baby I put to sleep the night before. It’s one of the hardest parts of motherhood for me.Read More
I haven’t felt the unease of discontent or is-this-where-I-belong inquisitions I had grown so accustomed to in previous chapters in enough time that I finally took notice. Suddenly the asphalt under my feet became air and I was floating. And then fear tore me from the clouds and returned me to the bitter earth.Read More
We came from nothing, you know, from sand and mineral, from water and air, from the dying stars we grieved long before time ever was.I think I’m still in mourning. My body has always sensed the loss.Read More
How often do you do something that absolutely terrifies you? I've done 2 such things in the last week. I believed in myself enough to go after something I never would have throughout past versions of me, something that scared me but something I knew with every beating fiber of my heart that I could do and was more than qualified to do. I'm much more confident now, more comfortable with who I am and what I'm capable of, more ready for challenges and opportunities to lead.Read More
It's funny how profoundly your priorities can shift when absolutely necessary. It's not funny how easily your deepest passions can be bumped down the list. I should always make room and time for these things, even and especially if they're not lucrative.Read More
"Since voicing all of these things, saying them out loud to a friend, I feel like I'm seeing him and my life with him through clearer glasses. Or at least I'm trying to approach this life without constant comparisons to my last one."Read More
"I have to see this through. I'm following my heart on this and it may blow up in my face in the end but it's a chance I'm at peace with taking."Read More
"This is so strange, we're so strange...whatever it is that he and I are trying to do here.
ot lose each other, I guess."
Try not to let the world get in your way. You were never part of it. You never wanted to be a part of it. Do what you want, do what you need to. What do you need? Breathe. Remember you're never alone. You're completely alone. You're completely alone. You're not soft. You're unappealing. You know you've never really fit in anywhere or with anyone. You're alone. You're lonely. You're fat. Smile more. Breathe.Read More
"15 years ago a man moved into the next step.7 and a quarter centuries earlier, another man traveled on too. Their deeds, their lives, even their words and daughters are beautiful echoes. "The future is ours - it's ours to choose." - Clay Tillett "What you seek is seeking you." - Jalal ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhi... better known as Rumi. This can be a hard day, but I think you know happiness today. The fact that you can feel it today, means you can feel it any day. I'm grateful to be a part of it. I would tell your dad that you are an incredible friend. I'd tell him you are a great human being. That you've grown into an amazing woman. I'd tell him how in love with you I am, and pray I've done good by you, and continue to. I'd hope he found me worthy. I love you, Becky. I'll never stop." —M. O'ShaughnessyRead More
"It's said that you can not control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you. But you can certainly control the depth of the wound you inflict on someone else. Since the age of 16 I've only had one regret: that I didn't tell my father goodnight and ignored him the night he shot himself. Starting today I now have two.
That I've so deeply hurt the one person I've loved the most in this world."Read More
"He was distraught. He was filled with rage for the guy. He was worried about me. He said 'I had a bad feeling about you staying with him. I knew you shouldn't have stayed with him! I always knew he was a scumbag! Why didn't you listen to me?? Why did this happen!?' He was half yelling, half crying. I was bawling. I was apologizing. I should have listened. I should have listened. He's always right. He apologized. 'None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault.'"Read More
He may be the hurricane but it's me that's breaking, crumbling, falling apart in his wake.
I'm going to be there until the very end though, I've decided. And I refuse to leave, under any circumstances, unless he asks me to. Because he needs me, we need each other. Honestly, neither of us can picture a life without the other. There IS no life without the other. I'm certain it's unhealthy how needy each of one another we really are. But that's always been a common theme in my life: emotional instability. We're all human after all and what's life without love? At all costs. It's always worth it.Read More
While I’ve rested on a decision and today is the first day
in many that I’m starting to feel like myself again –
I realize I’ll be dealing with this long after it’s over.
I’ll be looking into seeing a counselor sometime in the
near future to help me come to terms with not only this
but with everything else in my life that continues to haunt me.
I absolutely must move on from these things.
As I have no more free hands for any extra emotional baggage.