For as long as I can remember, to my very earliest memories and forever since, so often my first thought each morning after being jarred out of sleep by an unforgiving alarm was “Dear god, I’d rather be dead then ever have to get out of this bed again.” And ashamedly, it was not meant to be a humorous desire or a silly exaggeration. Sleep has always been my favorite part of every day, my reprieve.
Read Morelife
Jón Þór "Jónsi" Birgisson /
Sigur Rós has been one of my all-time favorites since 2002, since hearing their song, Njósnavélin play over that last beautiful scene of Vanilla Sky when David had just learned he’d been dreaming for many years and choosing to finally wake up, jumps off the building in his dream. All happening against that fantastically beautiful montage of old photos and home movie footage, those snapshots and memories from our collective past gone forever now that for me, elicits such lovely nostalgic sadness.
Read MoreYou Are a Motherf*%$ing Force /
As of today, it’s been one whole entire huge tiny long quick gigantic short surreal transformative passionate trying wonderful exhausting year since I first got to look into your big eyes, baby
I am still gobsmacked by the strange magic of it all. Strange, shiny, messy, beautiful, incomprehensible magic.
Right Woman in the Wrong Timeline /
I sometimes feel like the right woman in the wrong timeline. Or the wrong woman in the right timeline. Does that make sense?
Read MoreLittle Lists /
Things I love:
The way she dances to Queen
Her laugh, her big toothless grin
Giving kisses with her forehead
The Hannibal Lecter thing she does with her tongue
There is Only Light /
I am much more protective of my feelings on motherhood than anything else in life. I am still working on unraveling just why exactly. I suspect because they are not always overwhelmingly exuberant, which I feel mothers rarely see mirrored or represented outside the darkest recesses of our minds. We are inundated with nothing but the happy wonderfulness so there is a built-in shame in feeling anything but, perhaps.
Read MoreAnd then we were... /
Last February, I found out I was pregnant.
Here’s what happened next.
Our bodies rise again /
and when our bodies rise again,
they will be wildflowers, then rabbits,
then wolves singing a perfect love
to the beautiful, meaningless moon.
Moments of Doubt and Darkness /
Lately I’ve drowned in thoughts and anxieties that shout the words: why-is-this-so-fucking-hard & why-aren’t-I-stronger into my own echo chamber and then I remember something I read recently that really resonated: Sleep deprivation is an actual kind of torture. It is. and needlessly, I had surrendered to moments of doubt and darkness about the strength of my family and our resolve and our indestructibility as a unit but especially about mine and my husband’s status as a team. But only because I did not truly respect the intensity of the obstacles we’ve faced. And cleared.
Read MoreRipley /
Ripley. The newest member and the second baby girl to join the Tillett/O’Shaughnessy clan.
Read MoreEternities Exist Between Dawn and Dusk /
his sweet babe is 5 months old today. Time passes so quickly, I’m always left with the tragic relentless feeling that I’m not fully appreciating or as present for every precious moment as I should be. For her, the days are still long enduring intervals in which eternities exist between dawn and dusk. For me, it feels as if every morning I have awoken from a long coma and she seems so much older than the baby I put to sleep the night before. It’s one of the hardest parts of motherhood for me.
Read MoreEverything to Lose /
I haven’t felt the unease of discontent or is-this-where-I-belong inquisitions I had grown so accustomed to in previous chapters in enough time that I finally took notice. Suddenly the asphalt under my feet became air and I was floating. And then fear tore me from the clouds and returned me to the bitter earth.
Read MoreWe Came From Something /
We came from nothing, you know, from sand and mineral, from water and air, from the dying stars we grieved long before time ever was.I think I’m still in mourning. My body has always sensed the loss.
Read MoreBloomed /
How often do you do something that absolutely terrifies you? I've done 2 such things in the last week. I believed in myself enough to go after something I never would have throughout past versions of me, something that scared me but something I knew with every beating fiber of my heart that I could do and was more than qualified to do. I'm much more confident now, more comfortable with who I am and what I'm capable of, more ready for challenges and opportunities to lead.
Read MoreStatic /
It's funny how profoundly your priorities can shift when absolutely necessary. It's not funny how easily your deepest passions can be bumped down the list. I should always make room and time for these things, even and especially if they're not lucrative.
Read MoreWithout Constant Comparisons /
"Since voicing all of these things, saying them out loud to a friend, I feel like I'm seeing him and my life with him through clearer glasses. Or at least I'm trying to approach this life without constant comparisons to my last one."
Read MoreA Chance I'm At Peace with Taking /
"I have to see this through. I'm following my heart on this and it may blow up in my face in the end but it's a chance I'm at peace with taking."
Read MoreStrange /
"This is so strange, we're so strange...whatever it is that he and I are trying to do here.
ot lose each other, I guess."
Internal Discourse /
Try not to let the world get in your way. You were never part of it. You never wanted to be a part of it. Do what you want, do what you need to. What do you need? Breathe. Remember you're never alone. You're completely alone. You're completely alone. You're not soft. You're unappealing. You know you've never really fit in anywhere or with anyone. You're alone. You're lonely. You're fat. Smile more. Breathe.
Read MoreWords and Daughters /
"15 years ago a man moved into the next step.7 and a quarter centuries earlier, another man traveled on too. Their deeds, their lives, even their words and daughters are beautiful echoes. "The future is ours - it's ours to choose." - Clay Tillett "What you seek is seeking you." - Jalal ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhi... better known as Rumi. This can be a hard day, but I think you know happiness today. The fact that you can feel it today, means you can feel it any day. I'm grateful to be a part of it. I would tell your dad that you are an incredible friend. I'd tell him you are a great human being. That you've grown into an amazing woman. I'd tell him how in love with you I am, and pray I've done good by you, and continue to. I'd hope he found me worthy. I love you, Becky. I'll never stop." —M. O'Shaughnessy
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