journal and writing

Redwood National Park by Rebecca Tillett

There is nothing I can say about the trees to describe them to you if you've never seen them or found yourself in their presence. I hope you trust in my sincerity when I announce my satisfaction at that realization. It's true. I'm so utterly contented knowing there are places in this world that lie outside the boundaries of articulated description, places you simply have to see and feel and experience to know.

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Catch and Release by Rebecca Tillett

I think like so many others, I have these moments, these days or weeks or sometimes even months where I'm doubting myself in some tormenting capacity. Is this where I'm supposed to be? Have I been eating all the wrong foods? Have I gotten heavier? Am I spending enough time outside? Will I always be reliant on a desk job for a paycheck? Are there enough people that care about me? Am I proud of myself professionally? Can I call myself an artist? Where has any of it taken me? ("...to Rome?" Thanks for the reminder Kirsten!)

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Sex Swing by Rebecca Tillett

We’re consistently being judged and schooled in the ways of a righteous and moral existence by men who keep mistresses, fuck gay male prostitutes and molest their little sisters, all while voting against laws that would give women, minorities and gays equal rights. It’s one classic case of do as I say, not as I do after another and the obvious and blatant hypocrisy is stomach-churning.

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Almost Like God by Rebecca Tillett

Every child wants to know that their parents not only love them but love each other. I have small fuzzy memories of what could have been love between my mother and father: laughter, tickling, pet names, but those small moments had all faded and died before I was out of elementary school. From that point on until my father shot himself, my parents were strangers to each other at their best and bitter enemies at their worst. 

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Lumiere Tintype by Rebecca Tillett

Last week my boyfriend, Mike and I had the pleasure of catching Adrian with Lumiere Tintype Photography during his summer road-trip stop here in Denver. I've always always always wanted a tintype portrait so my excitement at this can hardly be contained. I'll surely treasure this photo for many years to come.

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The Lover's Gift by Rebecca Tillett

When I was still a teenager, I bought a beautiful book showcasing some of the most gorgeous nude and erotic photographs of the time. It was phenomenal, and it only fueled my passion for photo documentation of the female body. Anyway, on the first page there was a a graceful but delicate quote about how all photographs are essentially about love. And I loved that quote. It alludes me now and a quick google search yields no results, but I know I still own the book. Someday soon I'll find it.

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How Deeply I Loved Him by Rebecca Tillett

We would meet in a chatroom in 1997 when were just teenagers. We’d grow close and in 1998 when my father killed himself, Mike would become one of the only people I could talk to about it. I would read his sweet words on the screen, grieving over the loss, sinking into my swelling isolation and wishing I could disappear into his strong arms. I quietly fell in love with him then but he lived in Philly and I lived in New Mexico, and 2,000 miles is enormous to two kids with no means to cross it.

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Rejected by Rebecca Tillett

I don't often blog about my design for a multitude of ambiguous reasons, I suppose. Most notably, probably, is that it's my bread and butter, and also because it seems unlikely that anyone outside the audience of the piece I've designed would find it particularly interesting. But sometimes, as a professional graphic designer, the knowledge of all the pieces I've designed that have and will never see the light of day because the client didn't share your vision or embrace something maybe a little bit edgier than they're used to can feel absolutely defeating.

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Adios Facebook by Rebecca Tillett

On Friday night I was once again notified by Facebook that I had been reported for nudity and the content had subsequently been removed. Also, not only that but this time, I would be banned from using Facebook for 24 hours, thus effectively treating me like a child who'd been badly behaving and deserved to have their toy taken away as punishment.

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Beauty in the Age of the Selfie by Rebecca Tillett

Last Summer I was interviewed by Fluffer Magazine for a feature and I learned today that it's finally up! Do keep in mind, that the questions were translated from Italian but the interview is in full english on the Fluffer site. Also, as this is a nude and erotic publication, do keep in mind that the images chosen to accompany this feature are NSFW in most instances (unless you know, you happen to work somewhere that isn't terrified of the nude female form). 

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Young Enough to be Humbled by Rebecca Tillett

It really is true what they say, isn't it? You think you'll never change from the person you are when you're 15, 18, 21, 25, 30... but you DO, friends. You really do. I think I've finally reached an age in which I understand the older generation's contempt for youth. Kids really don't know a damn thing.

Hopefully I'm still young enough to be humbled by that realization.

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Spirituality / What I've Learned by Rebecca Tillett

I was born into autumn and spent the first fifteen years of my life there. I spent the subsequent 16 in winter but I have now entered a Spring in my life. It’s the first time I can say confidently that I’m happy without subtext. I never realized before now, how powerful that is. Even more powerful is the knowledge that I acquired this happiness through my own doing; I, alone, took the ridiculously painful and challenging steps to get here, not even really knowing where I was going. I only knew I was hungering for something I’d never before tasted and I let my faith in the promises of the unfamiliar guide me. I put all conviction in nothing more than possibility and life rewarded me accordingly. I feel unbelievably lucky and brave for the bold moves I’ve recently made in my life and while I know I’m not guaranteed a summer or even a terribly long Spring, I now know that I have the strength necessary to seek them out before so easily acquiescing to a seemingly never-ending and brutal winter.

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Against the Walls by Rebecca Tillett

Sometimes you spend so much time and energy beating your fists against the walls around you wanting to escape that you don't realize that where you are is exactly where you need to be at the moment, otherwise you'd be somewhere else. Sometimes, some lessons in life need to be relearned and it's true what they say: You can't go home again. It'll never be the same.

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Animal by Mama Cass by Rebecca Tillett

Last night, I watched Animal, one of the most powerful, beautiful, provocative, and disturbing pieces of performance art I think I've ever seen. The artist happens to be my cousin, Cassie (aka Mama Cass), who's modeled for many of my photographs. She's spent years pushing the boundaries in her work but this piece is truly in a league of its own. Using a distressing recent family event as inspiration, she displays a tenacious fortitude in this that I've not seen in her previous work and can hardly recall seeing anywhere else, actually. This is pure guts, raw and dripping with overwhelming emotion. I am extremely proud of her, not only for the outstanding execution but for the sheer and utter fearlessness exuding from this short video. You rarely see such bravery.

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50 Shades of STFU by Rebecca Tillett

I'm not a prude by any means. You don't have to know me long or well to know that about me. I love fine art nudity, sloppy and amateur porn, the many crazy kinks and fetishes that abound, sex, sex, and more sex. I love exercised dominance on both sides of the gender field and so long as animals or children aren't involved, I can appreciate any and all preferences, no matter how strange, in the bedroom. I especially love that women are beginning to feel less ashamed and more empowered in this realm and that we're slowly moving into a world where it's just as acceptable for a woman to embrace her sexuality as men have been doing without consequence for eons.

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River of Spirituality by Rebecca Tillett

I was sixteen and my father had put a bullet in his head, in the dead of night, in the home that he and I shared with my mother, equally melancholy but impenetrable, like petrified wood. My river would diminish to almost nothing at this point, slowly trickling through the ragged terrain threatening to surrender to the ceaseless drought before ebbing and vanishing entirely. And it did, although the gash my river had carved in the land remained quietly and patiently, for the water to return and the seeds of the surrounding vegetation slept knowingly, of the wisdom and spirituality I would eventually begin to perceive in my life. For years, torrential rains would eventually quench my land’s thirst for water and a trickle would turn into a stream, and the stream would again gain enough water and momentum to be my guiding river once again, and yet, it was a beautiful piece of my landscape I often took for granted. I knew it was there, but I stopped sitting on the banks, peering into the simulated glass at the river rocks sleeping softly and inconspicuously below.

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