Earlier this week, I traveled to Omaha to watch my youngest cousin, Rachel compete in the Olympic Swimming Trials. I was planning to be there about 3 days or so to watch her swim and then spend a little time with my family as well as a friend who would coincidentally be there at the very same time for work. Unfortunately, the Waldo Canyon Fire here in Colorado Springs cut my trip short and I got an earlier flight home in case my neighborhood (which was only mere miles from the fire) was to be evacuated. Fortunately, that didn't happen but I'm completely bummed my time with friends and family was cut short. It's not often we all get to see each other. Rachel didn't qualify in her race on Tuesday but she has another shot on Sunday so please help me in sending positive thoughts her way!
Read Morejournal and writing
Something /
This morning was the first of the last 4 that I woke up withOUT a throbbing headache. Saturday-Monday morning I woke up around 5am all three days stumbling through the house looking for pain reliever because my head was hurting so bad and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Anymore, I feel like my primary objective in life is simply to avoid the inevitable pain at all costs. That's a basic summary of my life these days...inevitable pain.
Read MoreSo Damn Still /
"I think I'm stewing in negativity these days. I'm floundering. I'm aimless. I'm restless. I'm so damn still. I'm hopeless. I'm just looking for something."
Read MoreRag Doll /
It's always both exciting and nerve-wracking when shooting a brand-new model. Exciting because it's new and fresh and inspiring. Nerve-wracking because expectations are all over the place. Not only is Edie a new model to me, but she's also a new model having never really modeled before. Edie Adelstein is the Arts Editor (and quite an amazing writer) at the alt-weekly I currently work for as a graphic designer and it only just recently came to my attention (despite us having worked together for several years now) that she was interested in modeling for me. And boy am I grateful that it did. Not only is she beautiful but she's a rare natural and seems completely at ease in front of the camera. I absolutely can't wait to shoot more of her in the future!
Read MoreRight Where I Belong /
I've become so afraid and guarded that I rarely allow anyone else to take pictures of me. When I get in front of my own camera, I'm fully aware of what angles and views are off limits. I also always make stupid faces because, for some reason, I can look at those without wanting to gag. I'm under the assumption that I'm less ugly when I make stupid faces. Whether this is true or not, I'm unsure. I'm also still unsure if I'm delusional when I look in the mirror and sometimes like what I see or if I'm just completely and unfortunately totally unphotogenic. I'd of course hope for the latter over the former. Either way, as most women do, there are a million things I wish I could change about myself but can't...especially as I get older.
Read MoreThe Pale Blue Dot /
I'm not sure why I'm posting it here. Something about it resonated with me. I feel such sadness over it. I'm reminded of my dad, of Adam. Either of them could have written this comment. Though I'm mostly thankful for it, I sometimes resent that I've spent my entire life surrounded by people who can't take their eyes off the bigger picture, even just long enough to appreciate the smaller one - just for a moment.
Read MorePepper and Family /
All too often I see babies being born to people who have no business raising children. Unfortunately, I think the majority of my generation (and all those younger) come from unstable and/or broken homes. It was sometime during my growing-up years that "dysfunctional" finally surpassed "functional" as the family norm. Now that the products of those rocky situations are producing their own offspring, the dysfunctional family trend is showing no signs of slowing down which, to me, is altogether heartbreaking.
The Hawkins family is the rare exception to this rule.
Read MoreOnly From the Grave /
Anybody who really knows me knows my growing-up years were a bit tumultuous. My dad was a troubled alcoholic battling some pretty horrific demons. I was a painfully shy only child who morphed into a painfully shy, self-destructive and severely depressed teenager. I remember writing in my journal around the age of 15 that I absolutely would not make it past the age of 19. I'd planned to end it as soon as I found the courage because if what I'd experienced thus far was "life" why bother living much longer? It was all so terribly sad - how unhappy I was growing up and how little desire I had to be happy. In my defense, I think I just didn't know how.
Read MoreDistraction /
So I think because I spent all of those months just looking forward to free-time and empty moments, I'm now hungry to create despite the dumps I'm down in. I'm also angry and short-tempered much of the time. Never in a million years would I think I could experience these feelings simultaneously but I am. And I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. I've shot and edited more images in the last few weeks than I have in the entire last half of 2011. It's definitely a good feeling. Hopefully I'll have enough of them to cancel out the bad ones soon.
Read MoreBe More Loving /
"My mom called me this morning 'just to say hi and tell you I love you.' What? I asked her if everything was ok. She said of course...she'd just made a New Year's resolution to 'be more loving.'"
Read MoreThe Return of Ms. Amanda /
Amanda and I met on the very first day of middle school. We were only 11 years old, both only children without any real friends at this new school and we happened to have the exact same class schedule. Since then we've been best friends, we've fought, we've been there for each other through extremely hard times, we've lost touch, we've reconnected and ultimately I've always loved her very much despite the infrequent turbulence. That's life after all. Most of my best memories growing up are with her and I'd be lying if I said I'd never repeat my teenage years if I was ever given the chance. Sneaking out of the house, wandering the streets on a warm desert summer night, laughing the entire time - just to acquire a Jones Soda. If only I'd grasped how incredible and fleeting that time was back then.
Read MoreCassandra /
This is my cousin, Cassie. Last month she moved here to Colorado Springs from Philadelphia. Today she moved back. We had a quick shoot last night, sure to get one in before her sudden departure. Oh, and she recently chopped off many of her curly brown locks. She's the exact opposite of me in almost every way. She's a risk-taker. She's also an amazing artist.
Read MoreMr. and Mrs. /
Yesterday, I had the privilege of shooting my good friends, Biff and Brice's, beautiful wedding at the Fine Arts Center here in Colorado Springs. The day began for me with shooting photos of all the girls getting ready at their aunt's salon and this is one of my favorite images from that time. It couldn't have been more perfect; mimosas, finger foods and an entire salon closed to regular customers for the day so the girls had all the space and supplies needed to become even more beautiful than they already are. I always have such a fun and memorable time hanging out with this family. They never fail to make me feel like I'm part of it and I'm forever grateful to them for that.
Read MoreUrban Renewal /
This was the second set I did with my cousin Rachel (technically the third but the second failed). Despite some frustrating circumstances (neighbor girl coming over to continuously borrow my cell phone and then inviting us to a party, shop-owner coming out to see what we're up to, rain, darkness falling) I think we got a couple great shots. Gotta love Las Cruces.
Read MoreAntiquated /
This is my friend Emily who agreed to be a model for a cover of the alt-weekly that I currently work for. The images unfortunately didn't work out for that purpose but I decided to have some fun with one tonight. It'd been so long since I shot these pictures that I almost forgot they existed. Stumbling across older shots that have never been touched is like finding a $10 bill in a coat pocket you haven't worn in quite some time.
Read MorePermanently Closed /
I made a quick trip down to my hometown in New Mexico this weekend and shot my youngest cousin Rachel while I was there. She's a swimmer and goes to school at UNLV but was home visiting friends and family while she could this summer. She's always willing to pose for me and while I'm sure she has no serious modeling aspirations, she definitely has some amazing natural ability. She must get it from her sister who's been modeling for me for years.
Read MoreBrand New Untitled /
Since my return from Australia I seem to be experiencing a shooting-dry-spell. Either I'm not inspired or I can't find a decent location or I'm being unnecessarily blown off by rude potential models. Lately, it's been the latter two which are the most frustrating mostly because they're the things I can least control. This is when my good friends come to the rescue. I've recently hired one as my assistant who has been unyielding in her suggestions, ideas, and overall helpfulness and the one in this photo is another who never fails to make herself available when I need a beautiful nude body to view through my viewfinder. It's a wonderful thing, having great friends you know you can count on.
Read MoreI'm Getty Over It! /
Last Fall I stumbled on a box full of hundreds of Kodachrome slides that belonged to my great-grandparents and committed months of my time to scanning and retouching most of them in the ultimate hopes of publishing a book to give to my family as Christmas gifts. I accomplished this monumental task and can without a doubt claim it to be one of my proudest achievements.
Read MoreArti Digitali Duemilaundici /
Last May, I flew to Italy with my husband Adam, my cousin Cassie, and my friend Lindsay to attend the opening of my solo exhibition at the Mondo Bizzarro Gallery in Rome. None of us had ever been and were all thoroughly thrilled at the opportunity. We saw as much as humanly possible in 4 days and I had my camera every step of the way (of course!). I took thousands of photos and then spent much time selecting and post-processing my favorites in the weeks following my return. Now those very same photos will be showcased ( and hopefully sold!) at the ADD Festival in Rome at the Gallery of Contemporary Art next weekend, June 25th.
Read MoreTerra Australis /
I recently returned from a 2-week trip to Australia. Officially, this was my 4th time there but only the 3rd visit I remember (I was too young to remember visit no. 1) . My mom's Australian and I maintain dual citizenship. This is beneficial to me in that if I ever wanted to live in Australia, I could but even better? I get to zip right through Customs lines as a citizen on my way into Australia AND the States! ;) It was a good trip and it was nice to reconnect with family I rarely get the chance to see. Both my husband and my mom traveled with me and in all, we visited Brisbane, Townsville, Ayr (my mom's hometown), The Whitsundays, and Sydney. This was my first time in the big cities as well as the Whitsundays and it was all so spectacular.
Read More